Forbidden Techniques
by nooneokay
Summary: They use funny moves because canon rape is funny.
1. Shonen

There was a battle.

"Spy, you have crossed my lover. Prepare to die." It was the Sniper. He was mad because he caught the Spy kissing the Scout.

"He does not like you, idiot. He likes the sophistication of a Frenchman who will teach him the differences between douches and douchettes." Spy pulled out a douche bag. "I plan on teaching him how to use this baby tonight."

"You are a sick twat."

"No, I happen to be the man in this relationship." The Spy smirked.

"That's it. You, me, now."

"I'm sorry, but I'm not an exhibitionist."

"That's not what I meant, you pervert." He actually did miss having sex with the Spy. Oops, I wasn't subtle enough, even though it's fairly obvious what such soft language insinuates. That sentence was nonsensical.

The Sniper pulled out his kukri. "It's time for you to see its true form."

"No, you wouldn't."

"But I would. May the force be with you, Chinpoko." Suddenly, his kukri turned into a lightsaber. His kukri was actually a zanpakuto!

"That's a forbidden technique! We're not supposed to ever use those."

"Who cares?" The Sniper was happily brandishing his lightsaber. It had been years since he had seen his kukri's true form. "Get ready, Spy. I'm coming to get you." The Sniper ran towards the Spy with his lightsaber.

"KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!" Suddenly, there appeared four other identical Spies. The Sniper hit one of the clones directly in the chest, but he wasn't the real Spy so the clone disappeared.

"This isn't fair! You're cheating."

"I'm simply using one of the forbidden techniques. You said it yourself; who cares?" The four Spies now surrounded the Sniper. Each had a nice chance to backstab the Sniper, but you know how these kind of battles go. There's some ridiculously long dialogue about protecting one's honor or some other shit no one really cares about, right? I spare you the torture of that, for now.

"Look guys, a fight." It was the Scout, the Engineer, and Pyro without her mask on. For this story's sake, the Pyro's name was Sesshomaru Rocks My Socks Emo Chick Desu 137, or Heffa for short.

"I'm gonna perform some alchemy." The Engineer was actually the Fullmetal Alchemist. He had lost his arm while trying to resurrect his mother, who died from syphilis because she was a whore. Anyway, Engineer's arm was special in that it allowed him to perform a rapid transmutation. Yeah, he was never really an engineer. Oh, he also liked to masturbate with his mechanical arm. Yeah, there's a nice mental image for you. Right, where were we? The Engineer transmutated a dispenser out of thin air. Screw the law of thermodynamics.

"This is gonna be fun to watch." Heffa was excited. She always dreamed of seeing Spysama and Sniperkun go at it like all the characters she adored seeing fight. She brought along her wand from Olivander's shop, although she really wasn't a witch...actually, I lied. She was Hermione's lesbian lover, although she's totally not gay because she likes men too. Also, she was wearing fishnets on her arms, too much mascara, black eyeshadow and nail polish, and other stuff I really don't care about but feel like mentioning for no reason. "Expecto patronus." Heffa tried to show off her magic skills. Unbeknownst to her until then, her patronus was a chocolate cheesecake. She was so embarrassed that she felt like crying. The Scout, her favorite class, noticed the cheesecake.

"Oh boy, I'm starving." He actually pronounced it as stahvin, but I don't really care.

Heffa was now happy. She was very fortunate that no one in the Team Fortress world knew what a patronus was. If they did, they would probably be laughing at her for being a bigger fatty than the Heavy. She decided to test her luck further by performing wingardium leviosa on the Scout's hat.

"What the? My hat is flying!" The Scout and the Engineer stared at the hat. It landed in between Heffa's legs.

"Come get it, you bad boy."

Scout was terrified. "Um, no you can keep it." It was a good thing that he no longer wanted it. Her thighs smelled of sour cabbage and rotten cheese. He would have died from the odor if he came too close. Heffa, at the time realizing her advance failed, had really wished her patronus was an actual cheesecake.

The Demoman and the Soldier now came near the arena.

"What's going on?" The Demoman asked.

"Wait a minute." The Soldier said. He had seen that lightsaber before. "It's the forbidden technique. Have you queers forgotten that anime is for faggots? Run away before we get AIDS." So he ran away with the Demoman. AIDS didn't exist in the 1960's, you know, but in my story it did.

Back to the battle, the Sniper and the Spy had some conversation about their former relationship. Use your imagination, as insipid as it probably is.

"So now we fight." The Sniper said.

"After you."

And then the Sniper started to spin around at an extremely rapid rate. He killed every single Spy.

"Well, that was too easy." Sniper then felt a blade seep its way into his back. "But...how? Is it the replacement technique?"

"Oh, shut the hell up. Have you forgotten about my Dead Ringer? You deserve to die for being so stupid."

I don't know if the respawn was working or not, like most TF2 stories where a character's death seem important...yeah, I changed my mind. Sniper is now burning in hell for being a filthy sodomite.

"You bastard!" The Scout cried. "I'll never forgive you. I'll fight you!"

The Scout stepped up to the arena.

"Oh boy." The Spy said.

Heffa's pants were extremely wet.


	2. The Elixir of Life

"Who wants to lose their wand in the Forbidden Forest?" Heffa said.

"What?" The Engineer said. Heffa was the only one with a wand. They were very fortunate not to have understood the innuendo. They would have vomited all over Heffa. In an alternate universe, this actually did happen and Heffa enjoyed it. What a sick young girl. I forgot to mention that she's 19, so she's legal but nobody wants her so it really doesn't matter.

"Scout, calm down." The Spy said. "The Sniper is in a better place now." Not really. He hadn't moved an inch from where he died.

Scout's eyes were full of tears. "What do you care? You killed him! You're a murderer!" They're mercenaries, so they should be quite accustomed to killing other people without any qualms. Scout, being the obligatory bishonen protagonist, had to be perceived as frail and naïve, even though he should be represented as a ruthless killer like everyone else. Who am I kidding? That would be boring. Scoutchan always needs to be a submissive kohai because that's an established head canon.

"Can one of you guys bring Sniper's corpse over here?" The Engineer said. "My dispenser . . . I mean, hot dog! Mah dispenser'll fix 'em up in a jiffy!"

"What the hell was that?" Heffa asked.

"What?" The Engineer said.

"Your accent is fake?"

"Of course. We are all stereotypical caricatures because it sells well with the younger crowds, although we're supposed to relate to adults. Merchandising, you know?"

Heffa had no idea what he meant. The Engineer broke the fourth wall, which is a big no-no.

The Spy and the Scout had brought the dead Sniper close to the dispenser. The two were now crying. What pansies. It's their fault he died in the first place.

"All right, now let's see if the dispenser will revive him." He started hitting the dispenser with his wrench, but nothing happened. "lol, nope."

"Poor Sniper." Heffa said. "At least he died close to the two people he loved the most." The thought of this really turned her on.

"Shut up." The Spy and Scout said in unison.

The Heavy, Medic, Soldier, and Demoman came to the arena.

"Even though I loathe all of your guts, I brought the Medic along to help." The Soldier said.

"Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, jagermeister, autobahn, schnitzel, 99 luftballoons. Ja!"

"English, motherfucker, do you speak it?" The Demoman said.

"Vhat?"

The Demoman slapped his forehead instead of saying the expected "say what again" line.

"Sorry, I have to say those lines and put heavy emphasis on my accent, just to make sure others are aware of my supposed ethnicity." The Medic said.

"I explained something similar to Pyro not too long ago."

Heavy stared at the Pyro. "What are you doing with your mask off, Pyro?"

"Please, remember to call me Heffa. I just wanted some fresh air. The asbestos really makes me cough up blood."

"But you'll go down in popularity, much more than the time I did a centerfold pose for sandviches. People think of you as a dark, mysterious character with a crazy disturbed mind. They don't want to think of you as some fat girl."

Heffa frowned. "Yes, I know. I don't care how I rank in those stupid polls anymore. All I got for ranking high last time was this stupid stuffed character toy named Balloonicorn and Pyrovision goggles. I'm not schizophrenic, I'm just a disturbed corpulent teenage girl."

"You've got more guts than most of the others here." The Soldier said, drifting his eye contact between the Scout and Spy.

The Scout glared at the Soldier. "Medic, are you going to heal Sniper, or are we going to spend more minutes on mindless speaking?"

"Way to ruin the sentimental vibe from Pyro's speech." The Demoman said. Heffa didn't mind Scout's tactlessness, but she did mind not being called Heffa when her mask was off.

"I have some Phoenix Downs, so I'll try using one of them on Sniper." The Medic said.

"But that's a forbidden item." The Soldier said. "Can't you use anything that isn't forbidden?"

"I'm afraid I cannot. He died from a forbidden technique, so he must be revived from a forbidden technique or item."

"That's the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life." The Scout said. "Who came up with these rules?"

"lol idk" The Medic said. He pulled out a Phoenix Dow from his coat pocket. I've always wondered what one looked like. I suppose it's a phoenix with down's syndrome? I also never knew how they are administered. So in this story, Phoenix Down is a red powdered drug that revives a fallen mercenary and is taken intravenously. The Medic administered the shot into the Sniper's neck.

"It didn't work." The Medic said.

"Don't be impatient." The Scout said. "Medicine takes time to work."

"No, Phoenix Downs work instantly. It didn't work."

"There's got to be another way." The Spy said.

"There is, fear not. Engineer, you know what to do."

The Engineer got up and placed both of his hands on his dipenser. "Are you ready?"

The Medic had a bottle in his hand. "Whenever you are."

The Engineer performed a rapid transmutation on the dispenser. Fairies were escaping from a hole on the side.

"HELLO. HEY. LISTEN. HEY. WATCH OUT. HELLO. HEY. LISTEN. HEY. WATCH OUT. HELLO. HEY. LISTEN. HEY. WATCH OUT. HELLO. HEY. LISTEN. HEY. WATCH OUT."

The fairies were following the Scout. "What do you freaks want? Keep away!"

The Medic managed to collect two fairies into his jar. "All right, that's more than enough."

The Demoman noticed there was a green fairy. It seemed to have been the most mischievous out of the group. He caught the fairy in his empty scrumpy bottle. "Looks like I can distill some genuine absinthe!"

"Can somebody please help me?" The Scout said. Heffa used her flamethrower to kill all the remaining fairies. "Thanks Heffa."

"Do I get a kiss?"

"No, I'm gay. Remember?"

"Oh, right." Heffa frowned.

The Medic stared at his bottle of fairies. "I'll need to crush these fairies." The Medic took out a wooden pill crusher and smashed the fairies. The bottle was now full of fairy blood. "Okay, now I'll need a can of bonk. Scout, please." Scout handed him a can of cherry flavored bonk. The bottle was full of now what appeared to be some sort of pinkish glistening liquid. "All right. The elixir is ready."

"Now how do you suppose you make a dead man drink that?" The Soldier said.

"Like this," Medic shoved a funnel down Sniper's throat. He then poured in the elixir and quickly removed the funnel. A light appeared above the Sniper's head, and then he started floating. He was brought back to life!

"Sniper!" The Spy screamed. He ran up to the Sniper and tried to hug him, but he was pushed away.

"Bitch, you killed me." The Sniper said. "What makes you think I'd want a hug from you?"

"But you're the one who initiated the battle."

"It doesn't matter. I'm going to kill you now. This is the last time you mess with 砂漠のスナイパー (SABAKU NO SUNAIPAA, Sniper of the desert. haha, random Japanese always derails a story.)."

"Oh?" The Spy said.

"Bankai!"

Heffa quickly set up folding chairs and made popcorn with her flamethrower. "Everyone, take a seat. Things are about to get interesting!"


	3. Super Kawaii Sniper

You should have the opening theme to Revolutionary Girl Utena playing until the second line break of this chapter. It will make Sniper's bankai much gayer, and I assume you want this story to be as gay as possible. If you don't like Revolutionary Girl Utena YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF! Anyway, link: youtube dot com /watch?v=z92rN79cbOg

* * *

"Bankai, Suupaa Seeraa Moon Supesharu!" A multitude of bright lights with different colors enveloped the Sniper.

"Super kawaii transformation montage time!" Heffa said, eating handfuls of popcorn.

"What the?" The Soldier said.

"I like pretty lights!" The Heavy said.

The Demoman didn't particularly give two shits of a damn about whatever was going on. He was busy distilling absinthe with Heffa's flamethrower and some broken parts from the Engineer's dispenser.

The Spy just stood place, watching the Sniper transform. He could have killed the Sniper right then, but no. He had to wait until he was in some more powerful form. How ridiculous, really. It makes me wonder if he really was a Spy before joining TF Industries. That would require me making some boring back story involving the CIA or stealing elements from James Bond. Also, notice I didn't mention if the Spy was part of RED of BLU because I find the differences between the mercenaries of the two teams to be negligible. If you think it's important, good for you.

After about 30 seconds of pretty flashing colors and smoke, the Sniper's translucent silhouette became visible. A skimpy schoolgirl's outfit magically appeared to cover up his torso. Then came the the red boots that went all the way up to his knees and white gloves that went all the way up to his elbows. To top it all off, he had grown very long blond hair and was wearing a tiara with a ruby at its center. Yep, the Sniper had turned into Sailor Moon.

"Oh. My. God." The Spy said. He was turned on by the sight of the Sniper. He had never seen him look so beautiful before. He was so aroused that blood streamed out his nose rapidly and he was projected about 10 feet into the air.

"See Spy, this could have been yours, but you had to choose the Scout." The Sniper said. "Everything will comply with the orders of the Sailor Sniper, the epitome of virginity and all that is right in the world."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" The Soldier said.

* * *

"Do you have a problem?" The Sniper said.

"More than a few." The Soldier said. "I thought you were going to show your weapon's most powerful form, but instead you decide to crossdress. Nobody wants to see this!"

"I'll have you know that this is my weapon's most powerful form. Plus, the Spy really enjoyed seeing me like this. Heffa also said my transformation was super kawaii, right Heffa?"

"Um..." Heffa thought the transformation with all the pretty bright lights and smoke was indeed cute, but the final result of it all, seeing Sniper become Sailor Sniper, left a lot to be desired. Actually, it left everything to be desired. Sniper's extremely hairy thighs were now visible. Worst of all, he was wearing a thong with little Pikachus. Sniper's bulge was accentuated by the tight fabric. Heffa probably would have been aroused by the sight of it in normal circumstances, but at that moment Sniper had to have been the least attractive thing in the world to her. Heffa guessed Sniper's hairy butt cheeks were visible in the back. She tried not to think of it, but the thought would not leave her mind.

Heffa was about to say sure, just out of fear of hurting the Sniper's feelings, but the Medic fortunately interrupted her. "No, that is not kawaii at all. Kawai ku nai."

"とても醜いです!" The Heavy said.

"You bitches are just jealous." The Sniper said.

"In your dreams, fruitcake." The Soldier said.

The Spy finally came back up to the arena. He had lost a lot of blood from seeing Sniper's transformation, perhaps more than was contained in his body. How he still was alive will never be explained. "Where's the Scout?" The Spy asked. "He was sitting right next to Heffa."

Heffa turned around to find the Scout lying on the ground. His eyes were open, but he didn't seem to be aware of his surroundings. Heffa thought he was stuck in some sort of trance state, perhaps caused by seeing Sniper's transformation.

"Medic, I really think you need to take a look at him." Heffa said.

"Looks like that boy really likes my devilishly good looks." The Sniper said.

"I swear, you better stop talking like that right this instant." The Soldier said. "I'll kill you."

The Medic observed the Scout's head. Scout was frothing at the mouth. "Ah, he seems to have gotten an epileptic seizure,"

"What?" The Spy said. He and Sniper ran to where Scout lay behind Heffa's chair.

"Do you have any idea what caused it, Doc?" The Sniper said.

"I have a feeling the bright lights from your transformation montage caused him to have it." The Medic said to Sniper.

"It's all my fault." The Sniper said. He started to cry.

"There, there. It's not your fault." The Spy said. He was now crying too. He embraced the Sniper and they started to make out.

The Soldier saw what the two were doing. He also, unfortunately, saw the backside of Sniper's outfit. He threw the bag of popcorn, which Heffa gave to him, at the two. "You two get the fuck out of here right now!"

"Oh, Soldier. Why do you always have to be the evil homophobe who sticks to traditional Christian values and doesn't approve of other people's way of life." The Sniper said.

"Because I actually have a pair of testicles?" The Soldier said. "It's not that I don't approve of your way of life; I just don't care about it at all. You're free to do whatever the hell you want behind closed doors. You don't see me out here making out with my girlfriend, now do you?"

"Shut up, you hypocrite!" The Spy said. "You don't even have a girlfriend."

"You're right, I don't have one, but that's not my point."

"You're just jealous because none of the women want you." The Sniper said. "They think you're an ugly asshole."

"Sure, if that's what you think. By the way, you called yourself Sniper of the Desert earlier. Why would you make that proclamation right before transforming into that . . . whatever you are right now?"

"Trying to change the subject, are we? I'm not buying it."

"God, why are you being so difficult? Not even Heffa is this bad when she's on the rag. No offense, Heffa."

"None taken." Heffa chuckled.

"Please just answer my question." The Soldier said.

"It just makes me seem more kawaii, okay?" The Sniper said. "Wait a minute . . . not even I understood those Japanese words. They mean desert? I thought you said anime was for faggots, Soldier."

"Yeah, I did. What's your point?"

"You understood the Japanese words. Why?"

"I . . ."

"Ha, caught you red-handed." The Spy said. "You actually like anime, meaning you're gay too!"

"No, that's not it." The Soldier said. He really did not like anime. The Soldier had a particular affinity for Asian women, Japanese ones in particular. Yes, I'm using this stereotype because it is surprisingly so uncommon in the TF2 fandom; Soldier is a man who sticks to traditional Western European Judeo-Christian values and is a proud patriot fighting for his country, but he loves Japanese chicks. He really really loves them to the point that he's quite fluent in the Japanese language, more so than any of the other mercenaries. He'll never say random Japanese like the other characters because he's too much of an asshole to be kawaii.

"Why don't you come out of the closet already?" The Sniper said. "We'll forgive you for all the hatred that has come out of your mouth after all these years."

The Soldier was much more of a professional than Sniper could ever hope to be. His words were not of hatred but to encourage his comrades to work harder. Obviously, his words meant nothing to the Spy and Soldier. "You know, I'm wasting my time talking to you two." The Soldier walked to the Demoman, who was still distilling his absinthe.

* * *

"Scout, hey Scout." The Medic said. "Can you hear me?"

"Yes." The Scout muttered.

"Good, how are you feeling?"

"I feel like my whole body shrunk. What happened?"

"You had a seizure. Everything is going to be all right."

The Medic is such a liar.


	4. Cosplaying Queens

_Fifteen seconds in limelight,_  
_Winning love by fleshlight,_  
_Always running from a real fight,_  
_He is the one named Sailor Sniper!_

* * *

"I didn't even get mentioned in the last chapter." The Engineer said. "I am a sad panda T_T"

"At least you now know how the Demoman feels." The Heavy said. "But I kind of envy him. I am just used as a filler in everything, EVERYTHING! Pootis pootis pootis haha sandvich oh no! That is all I am ever allowed to say. I am only important when I am the Medic's love interest, which fortunately I do not seem to be this time. I would much rather prefer to be completely ignored like the Demoman. I am a worse filler character than Pikachu or that midget shit Shippo in Inuyasha, for crying out loud!"

"Don't use that word." The Engineer was very self-conscious about his height.

"Right, I forgot. I am sorry."

"Did somebody say Inuyasha?" Heffa said.

"Yes, I said Inuyasha." The Heavy said.

"Kagome?" Heffa said.

"Inuyasha?" The Heavy said.

"Kagome?"

"Inuyasha?"

"Kagome?"

"Inuyasha!"

"Kagome!"

"Inuyasha!"

"Kagome!"

"Inuyasha!"

"Kagome!"

"Inuyasha!"

"Kagome!"

"Inuyasha!"

"Kagome!"

"Inuyasha!"

"Kagome!"

"Inuyasha!"

"Kagome!"

"Inuyasha!"

"Kagome!"

"Inuyasha!"

"Kagome!"

"Inuyasha!"

"Kagome!"

"Inuyasha!"

"Kagome!"

"Inuyasha!"

"Kagome!"

"Inuyasha!"

"Kagome!"

"Inuyasha!"

"Kagome!"

"Inuyasha!"

"Kagome!"

"Will you two please stop that?" The Engineer said. The Heavy and Heffa were trying to be funny. Unfortunately for them the Engineer really hates Inuyasha, just like what would be expected from a sane person. The Engineer isn't sane, but just like I said with the Spy, I don't feel like creating some boring back-story to explain his temperament.

"I have an awesome idea!" Heffa said. "We should cosplay as Inuyasha characters!"

"That sounds like fun!" The Heavy said. The idiot was just complaining about always being used as a filler character, and now he seems to be gladly accepting his fate. How quaint.

"I'll dress up as Inuyasha, and you'll be Kagome!" Heffa said.

"But why do I have to be the girl?" The Heavy said.

"Because you'll look so kawaii dressing up as a high school student."

"No, I will look even worse than Sailor Sniper."

"No you won't. How about we go somewhere and I show you my soggy pimply boobs? They're so hideous you'll be guaranteed to gain a huge spike in confidence!" Poor Heffa, but at least she actually cares about the well-being of all of her teammates equally. She's quite compassionate, in a weird way.

"Okay . . ."

The Engineer could not believe what he had heard.

* * *

Sailor Sniper snapped his fingers in a Z-formation. "Spy, I knew you still loved me."

"Of course." The Spy said. "I just want to try being with someone else." Or rather, I couldn't decide whether Spy/Scout, Spy/Sniper, or Scout/Sniper was the most kawaii. I'll most likely have them inexplicably change their partners again. It all depends on what my horoscope says tomorrow.

Sailor Sniper started to cry. "Don't play hard to get with me. You know how hard it is to be a sniper. I am always left alone for hours upon hours out in the middle of nowhere, just waiting for my prey to show. My parents don't agree with my way of life." His parents had no idea he was homosexual. As an adolescent, he had many citations because of his constant voyeurism. He loved the thrill of watching others. This is why his parents had felt extremely uneasy whenever their old son said he wanted to become a sniper. Spy was fortunately into voyeurism as well, so they're really perfect for each other, but Scoutchan is just too kawaii to ignore.

"Oh, my Sniper." The Spy was now crying too. As you probably guessed, the two started making out. They really got into the kiss, their saliva dripping down from each others' tongues and settling in the mouth. The kissing made a constant slurping noise like runny diarrhea trickling into a toilet bowl. Doesn't sound very hot now, does it?

Sailor Sniper stopped the kiss. "Spy, would you look at that."

The Heavy and Heffa were now wearing their Inuyasha costumes. Heffa didn't look that bad in hers. The red outfit covered every imperfection of her body. Her wig long wig covered her greasy unkempt hair. The Heavy, on the other hand . . . well, the high school costume was way too small for him. His whole belly was visible. The miniskirt he was wearing was about to be completely torn at any second. At the very least, he had the decency to wear some proper male undergarments, unlike Sailor Sniper.

"How do I look?" The Heavy said, smiling.

"Hideous." The Spy said. "Lose some weight, fatty."

Heavy frowned. "Spy, be nice to him." Heffa said. "Heavy and I actually like to keep our food in our stomach, unlike you. I know you're bulimic, Spy."

"Hmph, so what?"

"That's very feminine."

"No, it's just a French thing."

"You say that about everything, even the first time everyone caught you making out with Sniper."

Spy was speechless. "I like being a skinny twink. So what?"

"Is it really worth ruining your teeth? Just to stay ridiculously skinny?"

"Stop bickering." Sailor Sniper said. "Let's get this cosplaying party started!"

"The others might want to have some fun too, you know." Heffa said.

"No, I don't like partying with those bigots." The Spy said.

"Too bad." Heffa said. "I'm going to ask everyone to come along."

I barely described their surroundings. I guess they were still near the arena, which is still quite vague. Whatever. Heffa walked to the Engineer. "Do you want to come to our cosplaying party?"

"Uh, sure. Why not?" He said. "I don't know who I'll pretend to be, though."

"You can be Edward Elric, the character you're completely based on."

"What?"

Edward Elric, short, rural upbringing, right arm is entirely mechanical, youngest state alchemist, father was highly influential in study of alchemy. Dell Conagher, short, rural upringing, right arm is entirely mechanical, 11 PhD's, grandfather was highly influential in australium development. This is what Heffa was referring to, although no one really cares.

"Just wear your blond wig and you're all set!" Heffa said.

"Okay then. I'll get ready."

Medic had taken Scout in the base to treat him. Heffa couldn't bother either of them, so she walked to the Soldier and Demoman. The Demoman was finished distilling his absinthe. "Do either of you two want to come to a cosplaying party?"

"You already know my answer." The Soldier said.

"And what the fuck do you suppose I'll be?" The Demoman said. "Everyone is cosplaying as some anime character, right?"

"Yeah, is that a problem?"

"There are barely any black anime characters."

"Well, you don't have to dress up as an anime character."

"I tell you what. I'll dress up as Sazh, but only after I get completely trashed from this absinthe. It's the only way I can bare to associate myself with you people. Are you okay with this?"

"Yes, I am." Heffa smiled. She had always want to have some fun with the Demoman. She could never fathom why he was never around. She wanted him to part of something.

"Well, have fun Demoman." The Soldier said. "I'm going to be talking with the Medic if you need me."

"So, how are you going to dress up as Sazh?"

"I take my hatff and an afro pops out."

"That's all?"

"Yes, I don't feel like putting much effort into this. The Engineer is only going to be wearing his blond wig, right?"

"Yes."

"That's what I thought. I'll see you soon. Like I said, I need to get completely trashed."

Heffa walked back to the arena. The Spy was now in his costume. "You'll never guess who I'm supposed to be." Spy was no longer wearing his balaclava or his suit. He was wearing a mask that covered only the bottom portion of his face. He had a headband covering one of his eyes. In place of his suit was a blue jumpsuit covered by a green vest. He was also wearing sandals instead of shoes.

"You're Kakashi Sensei." Heffa said. "You always cosplay as him."

The Demoman and the Engineer walked up to the arena. The two looked as if they wished to be anywhere else in the world but there. Heffa kind of pitied them, but she just wanted the two to mingle with their teammates.

A disco-ball appeared above the arena, so I guess this story has taken place indoors after all this time. ABBA's "Dancing Queen" started to play.

"OH MY GOD! I FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG!" Sailor Sniper said in a very high pitched tone.

"Whose idea was it to play these Swedish cunts?" The Spy said. "I wanted Cher to be playing."

Nobody was listening to him. Everyone, the Engineer and the Demoman too, was dancing and singing along to the song. This particular song has always reminded me of drag queens for some reason. They danced for four more songs, then they started to sing karaoke. Sailor Sniper and Spy sang "I Will Survive," "Heaven Is a Place on Earth," and "Total Eclipse of the Heart." It was the worst singing you could possibly imagine.

* * *

The Soldier was given some of Demoman's absinthe. He didn't drink any of it, but he did give some to the Medic who underestimated its potency. He was completely wasted.

"Hey Doc, is that story about you removing a man's skeleton true?" The Soldier asked.

"No, it's complete bullshit." The Medic said."

"Well then how did you really lose your medical license?"

"I was caught selling dope to kids, lol"

"lol"


	5. Camaraderie

Now begins the tale of the stereotypically skinny bishonen with brown hair and blue eyes, Scout. He somehow believes, at this moment, that he is a fifteen year old boy, even though he is really in his twenties. The reason why he thinks this will most likely be revealed via deus ex machina logic. He also has to save the world or whatever I feel like having him save, and he has an estranged relationship with his father the Spy, who was trying to seduce him earlier, this incident being totally reminiscent of Luke and Leia Skywalker kissing each other while Han Solo watched them, but I'll just forget that happened and I'll assume my readers have a shorter attention span than me. I am totally not stealing almost the entire plot of Neon Genesis Evangelion and pretending it is my own original idea, like many authors of different fandoms on this stupid site have done to create their stories involving prodigy teenage males. I just like convoluted plots that make no sense and have the audacity to make my readers think they are deep and meaningful. wtf is a plot n e way sumtin u put plants in lmao 333~~~XOXOXO

Oh, and I thought calling everyone by their original names would be boring, so now they will be called by who they were cosplaying as:

Spy - Kakashi  
Sniper- Sailor Sniper  
Demoman – Sazh  
Engineer - Edward  
Heavy - Kagome  
Heffa - Inuyasha

I might as well give the other three _totally_ original names:

Medic - Dr. Feelgood  
Soldier - JD (It stands for Jack Daniel's, not Jane Doe)  
Scout - Shinji

Now, my story will really be something special. ^_^

And please write a review because that supposedly makes me write new chapters faster and better instead of just giving me instant gratification for drivel completely written on a whim.

* * *

Shinji was finally fully conscious. He found himself lying in a bed in the base. He stretched his arms as high as he could in the air while yawning. He had only been asleep for two hours. He decided to go outside of his room into the common room, which had a fireplace where Inuyasha liked to pretend to talk to Sirius Black; whoever the hell that was.

"You're finally up, cupcake." JD said. "We were all worried about you."

"What happened to me?" Shinji asked. "I have a terrible headache. It kind of feels like a hangover. Was I extremely drunk?"

"No, you didn't drink anything alcoholic, at least according to the Doc. He said you had an epileptic seizure."

Dr. Feelgood was passed out on the wooden floor, shirtless. His face lay on his side and Shinji could see a visible trail of drool. Dr. Feelgood was known for his ability to hold his liquor down, almost as well as Sazh did, but the green fairy got him good.

"Well, it seems like I won't be able to wake him up." Shinji said. "Have I ever told you that my name is actually Shinji?"

"No, you haven't." JD said. "But that is a very unusual name for someone like you. It's Japanese, if I'm not mistaken, and you're Irish."

"Well, it's my name." JD gave Shinji a very awkward look. He was wondering if epileptic seizures caused people to become amnesiac.

Inuyasha came running into the common room. "Guys, the ponies have returned. Can you help us?" She then noticed Dr. Feelgood on the floor. "What happened to him?"

"Never mind him." JD said. "This is a perfect opportunity for us to settle this pony problem once and for all." Dr. Feelgood was a diehard brony. Everyone else absolutely despised ponies and how they always randomly appeared while they were in the middle of a battle. They wanted to kill the ponies, but Dr. Feelgood said he would no longer heal anyone if they did such a thing. Now that he was unconscious, this gave everyone a chance to kill the ponies. JD once said to himself "if there is anything that exists that is gayer and more likely to cause AIDS than anime, it would most definitely be ponies."

"Are we finally going to kill them?" Shinji asked JD.

"That's the idea." JD said. "Heffa, go tell the others to get ready to attack the ponies. Do not start without us."

"Will do." Inuyasha left the common room.

"And Shinji, I have something I want to give you for this battle. Please stay right here." JD walked down the hall and presumably into his room. When he returned, he was holding a mighty fine weapon. "I want you to have this."

"Is this an M16?"

"Yes, it is. Isn't she a beauty?"

"But, this is a . . ."

". . . forbidden weapon? Everyone is already using their forbidden techniques, so there should be no problem with us using this bad girl."

"Okay, but why are you giving this to me? I have very little experience handling assault rifles. In fact, I think you're the only one who can handle this type of weapon."

Like in almost all these cliched stories, the bishonen is expected to be naturally talented at something whenever the time is ripe. Shinji will be able to handle the gun with ease, although he will hesitate at first.

"Quit trying to be logical and just take the goddamn weapon!" JD said, shoving the M16 into Shinji's hands. It then magically disappeared into Shinji's inventory, and this unlike most other things in this story is totz canon.

Shinji and JD ran to the arena. All six ponies and that stupid dragon; Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash and Spike, were there, most of them prancing around gaily and saying stupid things their fans like to repeat constantly over and over again.

"Are any of you boys into clopping?" Pinkie Pie said.

"Sorry, cupcake, but none of us are into bestiality." JD said. His intonation of the word "cupcake" sent Rainbow Dash into shock. JD was aware of what Pinkie Pie did to Rainbow Dash in an alternate universe.

"Y-y-you bastard!" Rainbow Dash said. The other ponies and Spike gave JD mean stares that would only seem menacing to toddlers.

JD and Shinji joined up with the other mercenaries. The others were prepared to strike the ponies at any provocation.

"You guys ready?" JD said. "We must not allow a single one to leave here alive."

"Can we just work something out with them?" Edward said. "I mean they seem pretty harmless for the most part. Plus, the Doc really likes them all."

"Did you not hear what the pink one asked me?" JD said. "If we do not kill them now, they will abduct us while we are sleeping. Who knows what they'll do while we are held as their captives? These creatures are not welcome in our land. They do not belong here, do you understand?" Everyone nodded their heads except for Edward, who was still ambivalent about attacking the ponies.

The ponies were back to prancing around, not noticing that the group of mercenaries right next to them were plotting to kill them all. Some were playing with Edward's broken dispenser.

"Do you have a plan of action?" Kakashi said. "Surely, you don't intend on us attacking headfirst."

"I was thinking one of us provoke one of the ponies first, and then once they come towards us we attack them with everything we got."

"I was certain you could have come up with something better than that." Sailor Sniper said.

"Unless you have something else in mind, this is the plan we're sticking with. Anyone have any objections?" No one said anything. "Good."

"Now who should attack first?" asked Sazh.

"Whoever is the best with projectiles. I guess that would be . . . Heavy." JD said.

"Are you crazy?" Kagome said. "Sniper is much better at long ranges than me."

"Use your forbidden technique, Heavy."

Kagome clasped his hands and started to focus his energy into his palms. A bright orb of light appeared in between his hands. The orb eventually turned into a bow and arrow. The weapon was larger and much more impressive than Sailor Sniper's Huntsman.

"Holy dooley!" Sailor Sniper exclaimed. This bitch was just jealous of Kagome's weapon.

Kagome had better archery skills than Kikyo, Zelda, and Katniss Everdeen; Sailor Sniper cannot even compare to him. Whoever he chose as his target was going to die. He decided to choose Spike, as he was a dragon. Kagome assumed he could have fire-breath or something even more menacing. Kagome drew back his arrow and aimed for Spike's forehead. He let go of the bow, sending the arrow flying directly into Spike. The arrow went into his eye instead of his forehead.

"Gah!" Spike said. He was only able to realize what happened to him for about half a second before he toppled over and died. None of the ponies seemed to have cared that he died, though. They were too preoccupied with doing absolutely nothing.

"Good job, Heavy." Shinji said. "I think you'll be able to kill all of them this way."

"No, Shinji, you must attack one of the ponies now." JD said.

"Why? I'll risk provoking them? It will be much easier if Heavy just kills them all."

"Shut up. It is your destiny to cause trouble for everyone around you. You must let this happen."

"Are you hearing yourself? This is fucking stupid!"

"Dammit, just shoot one of them already."

Shinji thought JD had finally lost it, but he decided to comply with his commands. He hadn't fired an assault rifle in years, so he wasn't sure how he was going to react to the backfire. He decided to aim at the pink pony who bothered JD. Shinji pulled the trigger and used a full magazine. Most of the bullets missed Pinkie Pie, but he did end up killing her. The other ponies finally noticed they were being attacked.

"They killed Pinkie Pie." Fluttershy said in a small voice that was not kawaii at all. "They all must pay!" She tried to make an evil look, but nobody thought it looked threatening.

The other ponies were charging towards the mercenaries.

"Attack!" JD said, although he forgot to bring along his rocket launcher. I don't understand why it was heard for him to keep it in his magical inventory at all times.

Edward was fighting against Applejack. "You wouldn't harm a southern belle, would you?" Applejack said, biting Edward's mechanical arm.

"Of course I would never harm one." Edward said. "But you most certainly aren't one. You're just a rogue horse."

"But I sell propane and propane accessories."

"That's not funny. Prepare to die." Edward's arm turned into a a sharp blade. This happened to have broken the law of conservation of mass, but at that time Edward only was focused on killed the pony. Applejack foolishly bit into the blade, and then she died.

Inuyasha was using her wand from Olivander's shop to fight Twilight Sparkle, another magic user.

"You'll never win. I know more spells than an auror!" Inuyasha said.

"Princess Celestia loves me for my supreme knowledge of the arcane arts. You're too much of a dullard to ever truly master them."

"I don't even know who the hell you're talking about, nor do I care. You had no business bothering us. Say hi to Satan for me!" Inuyasha casted avada kedavra on Twilight Sparkle, who then immediately died.

Sailor Sniper was arguing with Rarity over each others' fashion sense.

"Girl, you need a Brazilian wax if you wanna go to town looking like that." Rarity clopped her hooves in a Z-formation.

"How dare you insult me with your ugly hoof gestures!" Sailor Sniper said. "You'll never walk down a catwalk for a fashion show in Milan. Everyone knows you'll just shit all over the place."

"How dare you insult my shit! I'll have you know that people pay to use my premium horseshit as manure for their spring crops! I bet you cannot say the same for your shit. Only your boyfriend likes that."

"How dare you insult my boyfriend!" And then the two had a bitchslapping fight. It went on for a few minutes until Kagome decided to shoot Rarity with his arrow.

"Heavy, I was actually having some fun." Sailor Sniper said. Kagome shook his head.

Kakashi was readying his ninjutsu to pulverize Fluttershy. "You wouldn't harm poor, innocent me, would you?" She said.

"Yes, I would because you would harm us."

"JOIN ME AND I WILL MAKE YOUR FACE THE GREATEST IN ALL OF CELESTIA OR ELSE YOU WILL DIE!"

"TAJU KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!" Thirty identical Kakashis appeared. Fluttershy regretted having not left the arena when she had the chance, but it was too late. The thirty-one Kakashis all threw their kunais at Fluttershy. She died.

Last was Rainbow Dash, the fastest one. "You're too slow!" She tried her best to imitate Sonic.

"You're starting to irritate me!" Sazh said. "I'm going to have to use . . . this." He uncovered his eyepatch and revealed a red eye.

"What, I thought you lost your eye." Rainbow Dash said.

"No, I did not." Sazh said. His eye was the Sharingan, which is Sasuke's and Itachi's iconic move that copies an enemy's moves. "I'm coming to get you!" Sazh was able to catch up to Rainbow Dash. He thrashed her with his Half Zatoichi.

It was finally over. The mercenaries now never had to deal with ponies ever again.

"Woo, that was over pretty quickly." Shinji said. "But just what are we going to do with these carcasses? We can't just leave them here. Medic will be pissed."

"Don't worry, boy." Edward said. He transmutated a woodchipper out of thin air. "Problem solved."

"But wait, some of these ponies happen to be unicorns." Inuyasha said. "Drinking unicorn blood makes you immortal."

"That's not true." Sazh said. "If it were, Medic would probably have killed the unicorns and used their body parts to whip up a new panacea. He was quite close with the ponies"

"The only thing you'll get from these ponies' blood is hepatitis." Edward said. "We're probably all infected with it now, but fortunately Medic's gun can heal us up. He'll probably still want an explanation, though."

"He's passed out from being drunk, so let's just say we had a huge orgy." Kakashi said. "It's not as if he's going to remember anything." Everyone laughed, and then helped Edward load the woodchipper of the ponies' carcasses. Spike's carcass was saved because his dragon scales could be crafted.

Everyone was extremely happy. Sazh had a toast of his absinthe with Edward and Kagome. Inuyasha and Shinji were making out. I guess Shinji somehow decided to become straight again. JD, Sailor Sniper, and Kakashi had a group hug.

"Despite how annoying you guys were earlier, I really do love you in a platonic sort of way." JD said.

"Well, we love you in a sexual sort of way." Kakashi said.

JD still wasn't gay, but he didn't mind that remark.

Friendship is magic.


	6. Miss Bukkake, Part 1

99% of all FanFiction Dot Net users like to put these kind of percentage statistics onto their profile. If you're part of the 1% that realizes they are almost all bullshit made up on the spot, including this one, put this on your profile. LOL I PUT THIS IN MY STORY BECAUSE I NEED TO HAVE SOME RANDOM AUTHOR'S NOTE ABOUT SOMETHING TOTALLY IRRELEVANT. I THINK I'M SO FUNNY AND SPECIAL BUT I'M JUST FUCKING STUPID. I ALSO THINK I'M COOL FOR USING EXCESSIVE PROFANITY.

I have decided to stop using the mercenaries' cosplaying names, due to a mean anonymous review that I'll pretend you cannot see even though you can. I wasn't offended, but I'll pretend to be offended so you'll just have to leave me sympathy reviews and I'll, for whatever reason, feel better, though I know deep down (where your mother likes it) I am just kidding myself. Besides, by stop using their cosplaying names I am referring to everyone but the characters I care about, which would be Sniper, Spy, and Scout. Aw, they all start with an "s." So kawaii! But Soldier and Saxton Hale do too. Ew.

~~~~~squiggly lines as line break desu~~~~~

When the Medic woke up in the morning, he had a strange feeling in his heart as if something he had cared about suddenly no longer existed. Even though he was a medical professional, he didn't realize it was just a heartburn caused by his consumption of powerful liquor the prior day. Let's just pretend he was completely naïve, like me. Sentiment's not supposed to make any sense after all.

The Medic walked into the common room, where the Soldier could be seen making out with his shovel, since that's only kind of shipping that's acceptable for such an asshole like him. Okay, I lied. He was just polishing his M16 because it had killed Pinkie Pie, who was the most insufferable thing that had ever existed.

"Herr Jane, why have you brought your forbidden weapon out?" The Medic asked.

The Soldier was startled. "Oh, um . . . I thought it would be good luck to hold her before our battle today."

"We have not had a battle in months. In fact, it seems like we are doing nothing nowadays."

"Well, I'm not complaining. We're getting paid to do absolutely nothing. What greater occupation is there than this?"

The Medic thought back to when he was selling morphine-laced lollipops in front of a middle school in Hamburg. "Nothing, of course." Medic retorted, missing his his old shenanigans.

Suddenly, one of those magical owl appeared in the common room. It dropped a letter on the table. It also shat all over the Medic's glasses.

"Scheiße!" The Medic said.

"A little owl shit never hurt anyone." The Soldier said. He opened the letter that was on the table and read its contents aloud. "According to this, Miss Pauling will be here before noon to check how things are going."

"Oh, nice. We have not seen her in such a long time."

"She will be arriving by floo powder. I have no idea what that is. Do you, Doc?

"No, but it sounds like something Heffa would know."

About two hours later, everyone was up in the common room. Shinji was eating pancakes. Kakashi was chain smoking and saying French things to sound sophisticated (he knew everything about Voltaire and Victor Hugo because all French people are so cultured). Sailor Sniper, no longer in his bankai form, was back to his old appearance. He had just taken a shower, so he had a towel wrapped over his head. He was wearing a pink bath robe and a green tea facial mask. He was also filing his nails. He always had to look pretty for Kakashi-sama.

"Heffa, I need to ask you something." The Soldier said.

"What is it?" Heffa said. She was refilling her flamethrower with propane.

"What is floo powder?"

Heffa smiled. "It's a magical powder that allows a witch or wizard to travel throughout many places in the world. He or she has to stand in a fireplace to use it."

"So, I'm guessing . . ." His speech was interrupted by a speak-of-the-devil moment, of course. How original.

The fireplace appeared to be much brighter. A person then appeared out of the flames. She had pink hair and was wearing glasses. That's all I feel like explaining about her appearance. Just please realize that her beauty was so stunning.

"Who the hell are you?" Shinji said, gazing at the woman because he was inexplicably straight again. Remember?

"I am Sakura Haruno, the person you once knew as Miss Pauling." Miss Pauling said.

The Soldier and Heffa had bad intuitions about the woman.


	7. Miss Bukkake, Part 2

I am trying my hardest to keep this a T-rated story. Then again, there are some slashfics out there describing Sniper's pubic hair and the motion of his masturbation. If those can pass as T-rated, I think this chapter and the following ones should be okay (not really).

"I wonder if I'll start quoting the characters properly or start using fewer redundant adjectives in my sentences," I said to myself, like a schizophrenic having a conversation with an auditory hallucination. "Nah, I'll just blame my syntactic ineptitude on my nonexistent beta reader. Grandiloquence makes my readers think that I so smart and well-readeded!"

~~~~~squiggly lines as line break desu~~~~~

Shinji, thinking he was a fifteen year old boy at the time, could not control himself due to his hormones. He couldn't stop staring at Miss Pauling. The other mercenaries were staring at her too, but not because they thought she was stunningly beautiful. No, they wondered why the hell she had pink hair.

Shinji ran up to Miss Pauling and kneeled in front of her. He grabbed her right hand and started to kiss her passionately. She just laughed at the boy.

"Well, this is quite a pleasant way to say hello." Miss Pauling said.

Heffa noticed Miss Pauling's strange demeanor. Normally, she would have pushed Shinji away whenever he tried to make an sort of advances. Miss Pauling was a bashful woman when it came to such interactions, besides when she gave the mercenaries a debriefing. She was oddly personable today.

"Miss Pauling, have you seen me with my shirt off?" Shinji said (but in this universe he had never said the line to her until now because of his sudden change of sexual orientation), his eyes ogling her bosom like a dog seeing steak. She had a B-cup by the way. It is crucial that I sexualize her because boob size is always important, unless I make the girl unattractive; no one wants to imagine themselves as ugly . . . but Heffa had a D-cup. I don't have self-esteem issues, and I'm not projecting personal inadequacies with fictional characters, lol

"I'd love to see that." Miss Pauling said. Everyone else except Shinji either gasped or widened their eyes in shock.

"Miss Pauling, you do know who you're talking to, right?" The Demoman said. "It's Scout, the hyperactive emaciated kid with a speech impediment."

Miss Pauling slowly turned her head to Demoman. "Um, do I know you?"

"What? You've forgotten me?"

"You're almost like our boss." The Soldier said. "You couldn't have seriously forgotten him."

Miss Pauling tilted her head towards the Soldier. "And you are?"

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me." The Soldier said.

"This bitch be tripping." Sailor Sniper said.

"For real." Kakashi said. "Let's go do our hair." He and Sailor Sniper left the common room.

"Do you remember me?" The Heavy said.

"Of course." Miss Pauling said. "You and Medic are going out together."

"What?" The Medic said, dropping one his syringes onto the floor.

The Soldier and the Demoman were laughing. "Good one, Miss Pauling." The Demoman said. "I thought you had really forgotten who we were."

"I seriously have no idea who you are, though." Miss Pauling said.

The Soldier and the Demoman stopped laughing. The common room became awkwardly silent for everyone except Scout, who was still lost in a gaze over how beautiful Miss Pauling was.

_Sniper was right. This bitch really be tripping_, Heffa thought. She knew something was wrong. She pulled out her wand and aimed it to Miss Pauling. "Stupefy." Miss Pauling fell to the ground like a statue. Her forehead would soon start bruising.

"Heffa, why did you do that?" The Engineer asked.

"I just . . ." Heffa hesitated to say what was on her mind. "Can you all please leave this room? I need to speak with Miss Pauling alone." Everyone complied with her Heffa's wishes. The Soldier and Demoman had to pull Shinhi away from the room, as he was still staring at Miss Pauling.

The stunning effect of Heffa's spell lasted a few minutes. Heffa saw Miss Pauling slowly open her eyes. She then tried to pull herself off from the floor, but she couldn't. It felt as if her blood circulation had been cut.

"The effects of the spell should be completely gone soon." Heffa said, sitting in a loveseat close to where Miss Pauling lay. "You'll be okay."

"Who are you? What have you done with me?" Miss Pauling asked.

"I'm the Pyro, but please call me Heffa. You've seen me with my gas mask off before, I do believe."

"No, I've never seen your face before." Miss Pauling finally gained enough strength to sit up on the floor.

"Who are you?" Heffa said with a stern expression on her face.

"I'm Miss Pauling. Please, let me go see Scout."

"You're not Miss Pauling. Miss Pauling only comes to this base by using teleporters. You used magic. I have a feeling you're from another dimension."

Miss Pauling gave Heffa a look of awe. "What the hell have you been smoking?"

"Weed, and the Engineer does it too. He says it gets his brain into gear. He's really just an alchemist, you know. The only engineering he's capable of doing is creating new strains of sativa and indica hybrids."

Miss Pauling was shocked. "Oh my God! You two are using marijuana! That is a huge transgression. I must inform the Administrator of this."

"She already knows of this. She has an insatiable appetite for marijuana, you know. She says it's because of her health issues – glaucoma, I believe she said – but we have a feeling that she's lying. She's always listening to crappy music from Willie Nelson and the Grateful Dead."

"I . . . that's a lie."

"No, it's not. Ask her yourself. And to be honest, I haven't smoked the stuff for a while. Whenever I do, I wear my gas mask. The filter in my mask has high concentrations of THC and other cannabinoids. It gives me Pyrovision, as Engineer has decided to call it."

Miss Pauling wondered if she was hearing the right words come out of Heffa's mouth.

"Engineer's almost always high. That's why he's very friendly to everyone and constantly talking nonsensical techno-babble. It's also why he has a penchant for acoustic guitars. He wears the goggles so the others can't see his bloodshot eyes. Soldier would accuse us of being communist pot-loving hippies if he ever found out about our habits. The other mercenaries are almost always smoking cigars or cigarettes, caffeinated to the point of having severe heart palpitations, or sedated from Medic's medigun. It makes you wonder why they have a problem with marijuana, but they do."

"Why the hell are you telling me this?" Miss Pauling said.

"To see how you'd react, of course. The real Miss Pauling is already aware of our secrets. Your face has shown nothing but shock. Now, please tell me who you are."

Miss Pauling smirked. "Well played, you fat bitch. I think I'll go tell the others what you've just told me." Miss Pauling got up off the floor and started walking towards the hallway.

"If you do that, everyone will know you're not Miss Pauling,"

Miss Pauling stopped. "And why is that?"

"Because it's _your_ duty to keep anything we tell you confidential."

"So what? It's a risk I'm willing to take."

"It's your funeral."

Miss Pauling sighed. "Look, I won't tell anyone anything as long as you allow me to get what I want."

"And what would that be, impostor?"

"I just want to get into Scout's pants."

_No!_ Heffa thought.

"Because of your hostility towards me, I am going to have him wear his earpiece while we do it. Everyone will know of our sexy time. If I sense you doing anything funny, I will make sure the others learn of your secrets."

Heffa pulled out her wand.

"Put that away." Miss Pauling said. "I mean it. Anything funny and I'll no longer bite my tongue."

Miss Pauling walked down the hallway into the a room she thought Shinji was in.

Heffa smiled. She was going to have a fun time scheming.


	8. Miss Bukkake, Part 3

So it seems adding quotes at the beginning of a story or chapter gives the following text more sustenance or whatever the hell you want to call it. It also may render omnipresent slash pairings less apparent. This may help me garner heterosexual male readers with insufficient reading comprehension skills, but I'm not kidding anyone doing that so late in the story. For that reason, I've decided to use a quote from a pornstar because they are highly coveted people with much prestige. Their words ooze of enlightenment. Haha, ooze.

"_My heart is a gypsy - continuously searching for a home, fighting within itself, wondering whether it is weak or even right for that matter to be searching in the first place. Loneliness is what it feels like..." - Jenna Jameson_

~~~~~squiggly lines as line break desu~~~~~

Miss Pauling walked down the hallway and was about to enter a door, but she heard some laughing coming from another one. The laugh seemed to have belonged to the Heavy. She also heard feminine squealing, which she thought belonged to the Medic. Heavy/Medic was definitely not her OTP, but she still thought they were cute. She just had to see what was going on. Before she opened a door, she heard something else.

"Smack it!"

The voice was feminine, and it definitely did not belong to either the Medic or the Heavy. Miss Pauling thought there was a woman in the room with them. Perhaps they were into threesomes? She just had to look. When she opened the door-

"Black girl have nice TEETEES!" The Heavy roared with excitement.

-she saw the Medic and the Heavy sitting on a couch, watching an interracial lesbian porno!

"Ja, she really likes that German girl." The Medic said.

"YOU TWO ARE DISGUSTING!"

The Medic and the Heavy turned their heads around to look at Miss Pauling. Oh, and their pants were on. Sorry to disappoint.

"Hello, Miss Pauling." The Heavy said. "Would you like to come join us? This film is very interesting!"

"Are you out of your mind?" Miss Pauling said in an exaggerated tone. She closed the door behind her, sensing the sexual tension in the air. She wanted Scout more than anything else, but she suppose these two could do for now. "You two feeling lonely?" She had her arms against her chest, her fingers spread across her cleavage.

"Miss Pauling, what are you doing?" The Medic said. He paused the film he and Heavy were watching. "This is highly inappropriate."

"Oh, I see." Miss Pauling said. She turned around and bowed at a forty-five degree angle to accentuate her buttocks. "Like what you see?" She tilted her head and put a finger in her mouth.

"Miss Pauling, please stop." The Heavy said. "You are making me feel very uncomfortable."

"Ja, why are you doing this?" The Medic said. "You are not acting yourself at all. This is wrong."

Miss Pauling gave up trying to make seductive postures. "Oh, right. You two are gay. You're not into women at all. My bad." She seemed to have forgotten they were watching a lesbian porno. Yes, her conceit made her have a very short attention span.

"We are not gay." The Medic said, his face showing signs of vexation. "I have a wife – well, had one until I found out she slept around. Demoman said he had his way with her, but I know that was a lie created only because I would not allow him to drink rubbing alcohol when he ran out of scrumpy." The Medic was about to mention that the Demoman really liked Miss Pauling, but he didn't because he felt something was off about her at the time. What an understatement.

"Yeah, yeah." Miss Pauling said, holding both elbows as if to show indifference.

"And I left Soviet Union because wife died tragically. But who cares about me? I am fat and ugly. I must have beaten her because I was such an alcoholic because that is the only Russian stereotype that I can have besides my annoying accent. Stalingrad!" The Heavy was actually quite sad to admit that. He resumed the lesbian porno. The two girls on the screen looked happy, and that made the Heavy happy.

"It's okay." The Medic pat the Heavy on the back.

"If you two have resorted to watching lesbians then why don't you just do it with that fatty Heffa?" Miss Pauling said. "You two are obviously desperate."

"She is a comrade we respect and care for. We treat her as if she were our sister." The Heavy said, his eyes still glued to the television screen.

"Miss Pauling, I am very appalled that you have just said that." The Medic said. "Heffa does try to seduce some of us every now and then, but we are all grown men who know better, except Scout but I think he is gay. We would never take advantage of such a young naïve girl."

"Chivalry? What a load of bullshit." Miss Pauling said. "You two should just come out of the closet. I can't believe you'd turn down a body like this." She waved her hand over her body frame.

"Miss Pauling, I do believe I have told you about the problem Heavy and I suffer from." The Medic said.

"What are you talking about?" Miss Pauling said.

"Doctor, it is embarrassing." The Heavy said.

"It is okay, Heavy. I have already told Miss Pauling our problem. Her current friskiness must have clouded her memory." The Medic looked squarely at Miss Pauling's face. "Heavy and I have erectile dysfunction."

Miss Pauling started laughing hysterically. Heavy stopped smiling at the two women on the screen.

"Heavy, it is nothing to be ashamed of." The Medic said. "It happens to a lot of men our age. It is a very common problem. Miss Pauling just feels like acting in a patronizing manner today."

"Why the hell would you know about his problems anyway?" Miss Pauling said. "Look like it was a Freudian slip of your hidden homosexual desires."

"I would prefer you not to butcher psychological terms in an attempt to sound learned, thank you very much you pseudo-intellectual." The Medic said. Miss Pauling started glaring at him. "Is it not apparent why I would know? I am a physician. I perform routine checkups on everyone. I think you must have hit your head off something if you've forgotten my basic job description."

"Don't push it, you Nazi." Miss Pauling said.

The Heavy paused his video. He lost complete interest in it because of Miss Pauling. "Do not call the doctor a Nazi." The Heavy was starting to become angry at Miss Pauling.

Miss Pauling noticed the two no longer wanted her to be in the room, and she realized they indeed were completely heterosexual. She was running out of things to say, so she said the first things that came to mind. "Fine, continue watching your lesbian porno. You two only see women as objects to dominate sexually because you are privileged evil white Christian cisgendered heterosexual males. The audacity of you two to be born into situations you had no control over!"

I haven't even mentioned the Medic's forbidden technique, but I will vaguely describe it so I can end this scenario as a shitty cliffhanger. The Medic suddenly knew that the woman in front of him was an impostor. I mean the pink hair should have been enough, but whatever.

"Heavy, our friend here is really getting on my nerves." The Medic said.

"Yes, she has gotten on mine too." The Heavy said. "What should we do, Doctor?"

"Just throw her out of this room and lock the door."

"Okay." Heavy picked Miss Pauling up as if he were Donkey Kong and she were Pauline. She was thrown like a barrel out the door. The door was slammed shut and locked.

"You damn bastards!" Miss Pauling said. "I'll get you for this. Mark my words!"

"Heavy, I have found something out about our friend." The Medic said.

Miss Pauling was fortunately, or maybe I should say unfortunately, unharmed. She got up and tried another door. She pressed her ear against one and heard some slapping and giggling. It must have been her OTP Sniper/Spy, or in this case Sailor Sniper/Kakashi. And it was. She heard some more slapping. It's really not what you think it is.

"Paddycake, Paddycake, baker's man, Bake me a cake as fast as you can; Roll it, pat it, mark it with a B, Put it in the oven for baby and me." Sailor Sniper and Kakashi said. Sailor Sniper accidentally knocked over a bottle of Kakashi's nail polish.

"Sniper, you just wasted a bottle of my fine kosher nail polish." Kakashi said.

"Ah, it's so cute when you get mad at me." Sailor Sniper said. It's actually quite a pathetic sight to behold, but whatever.

~~~~~squiggly lines as line break desu~~~~~

_"__We don't want any sad stories in porn__." - Ron Jeremy_

My, my, Sailor Sniper and Kakashi can't seem to keep their hands off each other. Honhonhon~

(Why the hell are you still reading this? Do you not care for your brain cells? Evidently not if you've made it to this point, but it's only going to get worse. This is my only warning to you, okay?)


	9. Conclusion (Miss Bukkake, Part 4)

Somewhat Serious Author's Note: I had two of my stories removed and some of my privileges were taken away for a few days, LOL

I've decided to end this story early. Some of the things I've had planned are probably too risky and I've just gotten bored writing this. No, the real reason I have decided to end the story with nine chapters is because Naruto's demon fox has nine tails. Naruto is my favorite anime. If you don't like Naruto, I don't like you.

Enough about things you probably don't care about; let's get this shit done and over with.

~~~~~squiggly lines as line break desu~~~~~

Heffa was suddenly out in the arena because she had the ability to apparate with her wand. I forgot to mention that earlier because I'm stupid. I've probably mentioned that many times to the point of it no longer being funny, but let me just reiterate that I'm stupid.

Anyway, she was near the Engineer, the Soldier, and the Demoman.

"So, Heffa, how did your talk go with Miss Pauling?" The Engineer asked.

"It was...interesting, to say the least." Heffa said. "She's not what she seems to be, although I have a feeling you guys already knew that."

"Yes, what the hell has she done with her pink hair?" The Soldier said.

"She looks like a cheap prostitute." The Demoman said.

Heffa grinned. "I have a feeling she is a prostitute." The other mercenaries widened their eyes.

"So that woman is an impostor?" The Engineer said.

"Evidently so." Heffa said. "She wasn't even aware that Pyrovision was a euphemism for our cannabis intoxication. I told her that is our little secret, and she believed me." Heffa chuckled. "We wouldn't keep such secrets from each other, right?"

"Indeed, you fucking hippie." The Soldier said. Everyone shared a laugh.

"What do you suppose we do?" The Demoman said. "Should I shag her with a broken scrumpy bottle?"

"No, that wouldn't accomplish anything." The Engineer said. "She's in the respawn database. Whoever the woman is has somehow fooled the Administer. I would expect harsh repercussions."

"Great, violence isn't going to be an option." The Soldier said. "Do you think you could somehow hack into the database?"

"Of course not." The Engineer said. "I don't know shit about computers. Have you forgotten about that?" Well, there goes a common plot device used out the window.

"Then what the hell are we going to do?" The Demoman said.

Heffa was devilishly smiling. "I have an idea, but I have a feeling some of you aren't going to like it."

~~~~~squiggly lines as line break desu~~~~~

So, I question whether you understand the transitional changes, like most authors do. Actually, I don't.

The Medic was about to reveal his power to the Heavy. "Heavy, I have something to tell."

"What is it?"

"Miss Pauling is possessed."

"Should we call the Ghostbusters?"

"No, I hate Bill Murray. I'm going to use my own ghost powers."

"That didn't sound very German."

"I use mein uber specter craft!"

"Дa!"

~~~~~squiggly lines as line break desu~~~~~

Sailor Sniper and Kakashi opened their door, which hit into Miss Pauling.

"What are you doing?" Kakashi said.

"Oh, I lost my glasses." Miss Pauling said. Her glasses were still on her face.

"Okay." Sailor Sniper said, not giving a shit. "Let's go. I cannot wait to get into my camper and have hot, steamy sex."

"Don't tease me!" Kakashi said in a feminine, demure manner.

_Oh, this I have got to see._ Miss Pauling thought. "Can I come in and watch you guys?"

Kakashi and Sailor Sniper looked at her. "No way. You have cooties." Sailor Sniper said. "No girls allowed!" They ran out to wherever the hell the camper was parked: in the garage, I suppose.

Miss Pauling was in a dilemma. She could either seduce Shinji now or she could watch her OTP get it on. She chose the latter. She ran into the garage and peeped into a window of the camper. The size of the camper seems to greatly vary in size. In my story it's just like in Harry Potter. The exterior is small, but the interior is commodious.

Kakashi, caressing Sailor Sniper's beautiful hair, said "Hon! Hon! Hon!" It's magic!

~~~~~squiggly lines as line break desu~~~~~

Heffa found Shinji in his room, throwing a baseball in the air while lying on his bed. He looked very bored. Heffa had some tears in her eyes.

"Heffa, what's up?" Shinji asked.

"Nothing." She pulled out her wand and dispelled the imperius curse she cast on him.

"What the?" Shinji said.

"You're safe, relax. You have nothing to fear anymore. Please follow me. There isn't much time."

They walked into the common room, where the Engineer, the Soldier, and the Demoman were.

"All right, you have to kiss the Demoman."

Shinji leered. "Why?"

"Because we have to make Miss Pauling jealous." The Soldier. "It's the only way she'll leave us alone."

"What is that?" Shinji said, looking at a steel contraption.

"It will be what makes Miss Pauling leave." The Engineer said. "I found out about this in a book of alchemy. It's called a sybian."

"Looks ominous." The Demoman said.

"I have no idea what will happen when it's turned on. I'm going to pretend it does something pleasurable." The Engineer said.

Heffa looked out the window of the common room. "She's coming. Positions everyone!"

Miss Pauling, Kakashi, and Sailor Sniper walked into the common room. They saw Demoman and Shinji making out. The Soldier and Heffa were also making out. The Soldier hadn't been this intimate with a woman for quite some time, and his pants started to tent. This must be the part where I make you think there's a possible shipping, but let me tell you that the Soldier felt very embarrassed. He was kissing someone less than half his age, y'know?

"What's going on?" Kakashi said.

"Oh God." The Engineer said. He was sitting on the sybian, which wasn't turned on.

"Huh?" Sailor Sniper said.

"Oh God." The Engineer said. He was starting to make feminine squeals. The others stopped kissing and stared at him. "Yeah, right there! Oh God! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes Oh God! Yes . . . oh, God!" The Engineer wiped his forehead of sweat. He grinned.

"I'll have what he's having!" Sailor Sniper said. Kakashi slapped his face.

"No, I'll have what he's having." Miss Pauling said. "Let me on that." She pushed the Engineer aside. She really was okay with everyone staring at her while using it. She turned it on and "What the hell is going on?" The sybian strapped her down with rubber belts. The sybian rocket propelled itself out of the common room. It was heading for Aperture Laboratories. There, she will meet Wheatley and he will somehow be turned into a human. The whole thing will turn into a crappy harem featuring GLaDOS, Chell, and Miss Pauling. Robots with British accents are so hot.

Anyway, the Medic came out to see what the noise was all about. "What's going on?"

"We got rid of Miss Pauling!" Heffa said.

"Good."

"Where's the Heavy?" The Demoman asked.

"Oh, he's sleeping." The Medic actually killed him. When he activated his ghost powers, Fluttershy told him what the other mercenaries did to the ponies. The Medic eventually killed all the other mercenaries except Heffa while they were sleeping. Heffa was put into a dried out well. She was told to put lotion on her skin everyday, while the Medic gently stroked his dove Archimedes.

The Medic, now having lost all resolve to live, finally realized he was a psychopathic Nazi. He looked into a mirror and said, while putting Heffa's black lipstick on his lips "Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me so hard."

_Goodbye horses,_  
_I'm flying over you!  
Goodbye horses,_  
_I'm flying, flying, flying over you!_

~~~~~squiggly lines as line break desu~~~~~

About a month later.

"This place is supposedly very haunted." Cloud Strife said.

"Are you too scared?" Son Goku, the original bishi boy, said.

Gordon Freeman and Link were also in the party, but they never talk so they didn't say anything.

"I'd be lying if I said no. There's some girl we're supposed to rescue, right?" Cloud said.

"Yeah, this world seems to be falling apart." Son Goku said.

They found the Medic, crying in the corner. He appeared emaciated. He was mumbling gibberish.

"We have to kill him?" Cloud said. "This is just sad."

"He's a very dangerous man. I know it's sad to see someone in such a state." Son Goku said.

Gordon Freeman used his gravity gun and threw a bonesaw at the Medic, killing him.

"Well, that's that. Now to find the girl." Son Goku said. They found the well. Heffa was lying on the floor, staring into the wall. She had lost much weight as well.

"Hey there, you all right?" Cloud said. Heffa stood up slowly. She had very little energy left. Link went down into the well to bring help her up. He used his hookshot. Heffa didn't say anything. She just held onto Link, crying.

"Hey, everything is going to be all right." Son Goku said. They left the place and then something you'll never guess happened. Cloud, Son Goku, Link, Gordon Freeman, and Heffa were rolled up by a katamari. The katamari would grow to be an insufficient size, so the King of All Cosmos destroyed it. My world of Team Fortress 2 no longer existed.

The King of All Cosmos then had sex with Tingle. The King of All Cosmos/Tingle is totz my OTP. You better not steal the idea.

FIN


End file.
